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Tuesday
Dec082009

Day 214: School’s Out Forever

Thanks for your better wishes. There were even some kind words from folks who had called me a rotten traitor.

I’m lying low. I have finally and definitively transgressed, added to my list of ‘crimes.’ My activities remain relatively victimless, though the latest was a little tricky.

LOUIS BRANDEIS WOULD HAVE SMILED ON MY CRIMEHaving obtained the Relenza that made risks worth taking, I went to Brandeis High School with a box that contained a few masks I was able to gather. I bet everything on double zero. I feel certain that ol’ Justice Brandeis would have looked the other way.

First I arranged for a getaway car and a driver to get us to it. Then I labeled the box of masks with a phony purchase order from A. Rand MD. Next I convinced a National Guard with a southern accent and a fuzzy improvised mask that smelled of lemon detergent that I was delivering emergency medical gear to a doctor at the school. He was standing at the gates of a surprisingly modern building that must have replaced the original school.

An edgy moment came when he asked if I was sure there was a doctor on duty. Are these places untended by physicians? I reached into the box and handed him a proper mask, which he appreciated.

No one bothered me once I got upstairs. The second floor was stuffy and smelled awful, as if the world’s biggest septic system had erupted like Vesuvius. The classrooms were packed with people on metal cots moaning softly, hopelessly—a symphony of death paced by wheezing and rattling lungs and occasional grunts and moans. The sturdiest souls blinked at me as I scanned for Anna.

If I’d been wearing black and carrying a scythe, I doubt they would have stirred.

The attendants were draftees in lime green t-shirts and caps with RAISE logos. They wore soggy paper masks that couldn’t remotely suppress the stench of death, urine, vomit, and crap. They were supervised by nurses in white paper masks that smartly matched their uniforms. One seemed particularly fatigued as she patiently taught a clueless rookie how to keep patients hydrated. Her legs were unsteady as she rambled on.

I give them all credit for trying. No one was disregarding the plentiful misery. The staff lacked tools to do anything substantive. There was very little equipment, no ventilators or monitors.

Anna was in the corner of a big classroom at the end of the floor, sweating under a big display about French verbs. J’irais, it said, right over her head, which looked prettier and smaller than anyone else’s. I would go. And that’s what we did.

I dressed Anna under the covers. She didn’t recognize me. She looked so vulnerable. Her face was flushed, lips dry and cracked. She was dying.

I heard a death reported in the hallway, the voice of a conscript reverberating with fear. A radio crackled as someone called for a truck. For once I hoped it wouldn’t come soon.

I could feel Anna’s fever through my jacket when I lifted her. How could she already have lost so much weight? It was awkward carrying her and the box, but the masks were too valuable to leave behind.

A pair of draftees approached to ask what I was doing. I hadn’t thought of anything clever, so I explained I was taking my wife home. Evidently this entails visits to various city agencies for authorization.

The Challenge of Authority

I promised a doctor would see her, kept moving. They looked at each other, speechless.

Then I heard the voice of authority, barking that I wasn’t taking the patient anywhere. This nurse was like a nun I once knew, a short-fused guardian of order named Sister Valencia. There could be no appeal to reason or emotion.

I secured Anna over my left shoulder and rammed my hand into the box so I could wield it like a cardboard club. I raced away from quickening exclamations into a stairwell that would drop us near an exit on the ground floor.

Downstairs, the nurse was already aiming a soldier our way. The exit was locked, a violation of the fire code. We were trapped.

Calmly, I strode toward the Guard. He held his M16 ready while I explained that I needed to take my wife home now, that I had medication and a doctor awaiting her. I could see this made sense to him. He was a southerner and it’s what he’d want to do if his wife were filed away to die alone in a big, smelly brick schoolhouse.

He radioed for his sergeant. There were at least three Guards on duty.

He looked away when he started describing my situation. He felt guilty.

I moved by instinct. I think I bent to slide Anna onto the floor and then rose up under his weapon and into his belly. He was bigger than me, so he had more wind to lose. I ducked and hurled my shoulder into him again. I was celebrated as a gritty tackle in high school, making up in focused dementia what I lacked in brawn. I may have slammed him three times. He fell hard, his weapon clattering on the floor.

Shouts and bootsteps followed as I hoisted Anna and burst through the front door, past the first southerner. “She’s mah wife,” I yelled. “We’re from Missoura!”

As we passed the gate and reached the curb, I heard more than one click as Guards cocked their weapons. I could only run eastward, hoping they’d pause at the thought of shooting an unconscious patient.

A car screeched between the M16s and us, as if to ask me for directions. A chorus of curses erupted as I leapt into the back seat with Anna in my arms like a broken doll. I heard a shot as we screeched around the corner, down Columbus Avenue.

I can say that Anna is resting in a safe place. She still hasn’t spoken and has issued some blood. She can’t be moved.

Wish us well. I’ll do my best to keep you posted.

Wednesday
Dec092009

Day 215-8: Free—For a Night

I guess I can say where I’ve been. I wish I could say where I’m going. If only I knew.

Vitamin D or Bust? Nothing else has worked.

BIRD SANCTUARY (Kate MacDonald)Using a vehicle whose provenance I can’t detail, I drove to the bungalow I’d rented upstate. I had equipped it with everything a person would need to survive three months of pandemic. Bags of cat food, too. I feared the place would have been ransacked, but the locals hadn’t touched it.

I parked the vehicle in the corner of some woods in the back and covered it with loose limbs and leaves. By then the heat was up and I could carry Anna inside. She seemed to think it was a rented ski shack. It was a poignant way to find out she enjoys skiing.

I hung blackout fabric over the windows so no one would detect our presence. Then I cooked up a pot of steaming soup—chicken noodle from cans and bottled spices.

For the first time in months, I felt fully free, alive. There was no authority in sight, just four walls of cheap paneling. Only nature lay outside, harboring nothing against us flu victims but a stiff autumnal chill.

That night I clutched Anna’s hot little body like a thermal pillow. Her sick sweat tasted better than Irish whiskey. But she remained insensate under the damp cooling cloths I applied. I didn’t sleep for fear she’d pass away in my arms.

Eighteen hours later Anna was still very weak, but we managed some conversation. I explained where we were, who had helped us, and where we were going. She said my soups needed seasoning, a very good sign.

A Process of Communication

Anna said she knew it would come to this. I was slow to understand. She drank more soup. Her face glistened, eyes bright. She was coming back.

Eventually Anna was strong enough to explain that she’d always known she’d wind up in my hands. When she was badgering my blog, mocking my reverence for Ayn Rand, dissing my heartache over Nina, it wasn’t a game so much as a process of communication, she said.

I had to learn what was important, whatever that means. (I do think I know what’s important, for sure.)

Anna giggled faintly at how she’d set her account to block my emails so I could only respond publicly. She rolled her puffy eyes at how dreary I had been at Ric’s reopening—until I started smoking weed and making out with the young med student I mistook for my stalker.

Ric had blessed Anna’s strategy as the most promising way to crack my “thick shell of self-importance.” Some friend, eh? The best.

She kissed me as hard as she could, wetting her lips with mine. I could feel her little body straining. I was happier than I’ve ever been, no exaggeration.

Then the door rattled, hard.

Pounding followed. A gruff voice vowed to blow the lock off if I didn’t open up.

I hid Anna’s soup bowl and covered her with the bloody blanket that had kept her warm during the drive up. Then I unlatched the door to find the man who had rented me the bungalow.

The landlord was pointing a shotgun at my chest. He didn’t recognize me, but he was wearing one of the masks I’d given him. Goggles, too. And work gloves.

I told him I was glad my gear had kept him safe, asked him if he needed to see my rental agreement. He nodded, escorted me inside at gunpoint.

He stopped dead when he saw Anna, pale and motionless under that red-splattered blanket.

I asked if any friends or anyone at all had come to look for me. (Could the Feds have overlooked this place?) He grunted negatively and left.

I packed as fast as I could. There was a lot of protective gear and food and rice milk. I filled plastic jugs with reverse osmosis water I’d been processing since we arrived. And I dug up two safety cans of gasoline I had buried in the yard months earlier. I’m driving a guzzler.

It was far too early and extremely risky to move Anna, but we were gone in 90 minutes.

The last words I heard from her since then came just after midnight, long ago. I think I have enough gas to get her to rich sun before it’s too late. It’s a long way. Keep wishing us well, please.

Thursday
Dec102009

Day 219-20: My Burning Tire

I drive very slowly and I think. The highways sing the Yeah Yeah Yeahs' Warrior at me, about fleeing on a hostile road, frightened and discouraged, filled with fierce longing.

When you’re on the run, your soul is singed, tender, needy—and ferocious. Like it’s on fire. Like a burning tire.

YOU ARE HERE (Kate MacDonald)It seems to me that in ordinary life, there are plenty of times when you begin to feel your spirit acutely. But there are other souls all around, bumping into yours, deadening it.

When you find yourself alone—exposed to the dangerous whims of man and nature—your spirit breaks out of the past. You need love more nakedly than you ever did.

The old substitutes could never cut it. Attention, admiration, and envy won’t satisfy. Lust is empty. The ways love always scared you back into your hole—all the botched expectations and fear of disappointing—don’t matter at all.

I would kill to save Anna. Post it on my tomb if it comes to that.

Friday
Dec112009

Day 221: And Another Dream....

I’ve done my best to hydrate Anna, but she’s flagging.

I can barely keep my eyes open, but I can’t trust a motel not to report us. I don’t feel secure enough to pull over for coffee. The only reliable way to wake up is for me to spot a police car—they charge my heart like an electric prod.

I must be going through digital withdrawal. I think of all the emails and photos and movies that pass through me as I drive through rivers of Wi-Fi. They talk to me.

ATLAS AIN'T HALLIBURTON, XE, OR ANY 'SECURITY CONTRACTOR'And I picture John Galt & the Gang in Atlas Shrugged, fearlessly fending off pointy-headed bureaucrats as I contemplate all the corporations that are trying to track me for the Feds. (Nothing personal, of course.)

I dread to think what Ayn Rand would have thought of Halliburton—or any of the companies that foster and feed off big government today. (She’d have rejoiced in the freakish primacy of Steve Jobs—an exception that proves the rule.)

I realize now that big bureaucracies of any kind are the problem. Any organizational threshing machine is a menace, whether it’s public or private. They all spy on us, despise us, atomize us.

What would Ayn Rand say today about her failure? Her acolyte Alan Greenspan turned the Federal Reserve into a private investment pump. The business world is run by men she would have despised. Their enterprises feed off a state whose overseers take orders from CEOs. It’s a merger made in hell, corporatism without obvious ranting villains like Hitler and Mussolini.

Ayn Rand: Used & Abused

Ayn Rand would see that her life’s work has been abused, that she’s become a seductive fig leaf for corporatism. Her mystique, born of a hunger to escape and counter Russian Leninism, has become the face of a fraud: We fantasize about limitless freedom as we descend into the depressing reality of an authoritarianism born of the unholy union of government and monolithic ‘free enterprise’ that strangles competition.

Libertarians have been hoodwinked by Rand’s glorious entrepreneurial romanticism into accepting a tsunami of armed corporatism that drowns us in surveillance and control.

This is worse than any virus. It would break Rand’s passionate heart. Wake up!

I just passed some big grinning pumpkins. I think I’m late, but: Happy Halloween, friends.

Saturday
Dec122009

Day 222-5: Stay Well & Free

 

I’ll post when it’s safer.

Stay well & free.

SIGNAL HILL (Kate MacDonald)

 ACCESS TO THE SITE WAS DISABLED A WEEK LATER.

 

(Next: American Fever's exciting Postscript)